The other day, a friend and I got into a conversation about spicy food, which led to a discussion of how to beat the hotness. Rice and milk are tried and true, but more recently, I've heard that honey is an excellent neutralizer. Then we started talking about how honey can be used to beat overly-spicy-food-torture should you be kidnapped and thrown in a secret Egyptian prison. This got me thinking...
I am happy to present to you:
TOP TEN UNUSUAL USES FOR HONEY PACKETS!
1. (As discussed) Can be used to mitigate the painful effects of spicy-food-torture in an Egyptian jail.
2. Can be used as a weapon when squeezed (or oozed) into enemy's eye. Try getting that shit out.
3. When applied to the end of a long stick, can be used to pick up items such as leaves, gum wrappers, or keys dropped by a clumsy Egyptian prison guard.
4. Bear-distracter.
5. Should you be chased by a guard upon your escape from Egyptian jail, leaving a trail of honey can confuse and/or slow down pursuer. Nobody likes sticky shoes.
6. Can be consumed for nutrition should you be starved in captivity.
7. Impromptu hair gel. Just don't stay out in the sun too long.
8. Can be used to bribe Egyptian security guards for cigarettes or girly magazines. Or playgirl, if you're into that.
9. When placed atop a prison window sill, the honey will attract bees. Maybe even wasps. Once the bees get stuck in the layer of honey, you can collect their stingers to throw at the guards the next time they bring in a plate of overly-spicy food. Aim for the eyes. This will aid your escape.
10. Peace offering in the American South. It goes really well with fried everything.
So the next time you're at your local KFC, don't forget to pocket a few extra honey packets. You never know... it just may save your life!
(This segment was brought to you by "A Wholly Productive Use of My Time.")
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