Ahh, the glamorous life!

Hollywood ASST from Back of the Class on Vimeo.

JOLIE VS. SULEMAN

Sorry boys, this is not about a mud-wrestling match (but how awesome would that be!) It's about kids. And nature. And dumb fucks (pardon my french.)

I'm sure by now you've heard of the California woman Nadya Suleman, the woman of the octuplets. And you've probably heard that she already has six young kids. You may have even heard that this single mom also has no job, lives in a 2 bedroom house with her parents (who have gone bankrupt trying to support her,) and had all her kids through in-vitro fertilization. All I have to say is, WTF?

Seriously, wtf.

There are reasons that there are a whole series of hoops to jump through and qualifications to meet in order to adopt a child. If someone can't support a kid, they don't get a baby-hand-out.

So why does someone who is jobless and living in a 2 bedroom house with her parents and existing 6 kids get IN-VITRO so she can feed her bizarre obsession with EIGHT MORE KIDS! This is not about attacking an "unconventional lifestyle" as Suleman complained. Bitch, please. This is about total and utter irresponsibility for the sake of overly indulgent self-gratification. It's one thing for Angelina Jolie (who could buy a country) to have and adopt a bunch of kids. She can support a freaking army. But Nadya? Come on.

What happens, Nadya, when the diaper handouts run out? What happens when your 8 premature babies start having health problems? What happens when you realize you can't stuff 14 kids into a 2 bedroom home (that you share with your freaking bankrupt parents! I'm sure they're proud...) What happens when you can't divide your attention among numbers 1-14? What happens when you realize you can't support 14 children off a counselor's salary? What happens if you don't get a job? Cause the economy is so hot right now... What happens when you realize you have serious fucking issues and both you and your kids are going to need major psychological help? What happens then, huh?

It's the 14 stigmatized kids that are going to have to pay for their irresponsible mother's self-absorbed complex. Way to go, you dumb fuck.

No Country for Old (hateful) Men...

I was trying to think of a clever way to preface this, but it speaks for itself...



Watch Olbermann OWN that Dick Cheney.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/06/olbermann-special-comment_n_164603.html

ENGAGED!!!!!

Yes, I'm engaged to the love of my life :)

You know what they say about pictures...


(He proposed at the top of a snowy mountain! Top that!)

What Bagel Are You?

My musical theater teacher in high school once said "it's important to know what kind of bagel you are. You have to play to your strengths."



Of course, he was talking about acting roles -- not trying to be the leading lady if you're the best friend, or the angel if you're the vixen -- but lately I've been thinking about the bagel philosophy. And if it goes beyond roles. How many of us know what kind of bagel we are? How many really care?

I'm sure we'd all like to say we can be anything we want. We can be the vixen, the sweetheart, the sidekick, the star... right? I'm not saying people aren't complicated and multi-faceted, but I think sometimes we spend too much time crafting who we want to be at any given moment, and not enough time just being whoever it is we were made to be. If you're the girl-next-door, well, own it. If you're a total geek, own it. Whatever it is, just own it. Stop trying so hard.

I hate to simplify things because I strongly believe this world is many shades of grey, but what if we all stopped worrying so much about appearances and perceptions and stigmas? What if we could just recognize what we are -- whatever that may be -- and work with it? What if I could stop spouting cliches? That would be pretty cool, huh?

So, cheesy question -- what kind of bagel are you?

Palin is the Antichrist

You would think she is running for president, with all the media circus that erupted since her vice presidential nomination. Maybe it's driven by the (frightening) thought that "President Palin" is a legitimate possibility, due to McCain's age. Are you scared? You should be.

Now I don't generally endorse fear tactics in politics, since it tends to yield a pathetic and narrow-minded result. But I endorse common sense. And my common sense dictates that the McCain/Palin ticket is the stuff of nightmares.

The only difference between Sarah Palin and an 18th century man is a vagina.

Now, there are some feminists out there who support Palin because she is a woman who has infiltrated the "boy's club" and garnered herself some serious power. Are you serious? I'm not sure which is worse, a single-issue voter or a single-gender voter. I wonder, do those same so-called "feminists" think that a 13 year old girl who was raped should be forced to have that baby? Do those "feminists" think that the right to choose only should apply when you choose life?

Granted, the choice of Sarah Palin as VP is a work of evil genius. The amount of attention dedicated to her has totally revived McCain's otherwise somewhat lackluster campaign. Although some people are fascinated by her in an amusing sort of way, a frightening number seems to actually buy into all her - for lack of a more appropriate term - bullshit.

After eight years of Bush, I thought we as a country were as low as we could get. I may have thought wrong. It's like the American people asked God, "Can we as a country be a bigger joke?" Apparently the answer was "yes."

Some people love to laugh at her utter ridiculousness. Some people love her. And for what reason? It's beyond me, really.

She's. A. Fucking. Joke.

A funny joke, for a while, until you realize people take her seriously. Why not? Why not elect a vp with basically no foreign relation experience to repair our severly damaged world reputation? Why not get someone who doesn't believe in global warming and wants to drill in Alaska to lead us into a "greener" age. Fuck the polar bears! My state isn't melting! Why not give someone with a pregnant teenage daughter the power to destroy sex-ed in schools? Obviously all the money she poured into the abstinence-only programs worked wonders! Why not elect someone who ran her state into significant debt to fix the crumbling economy? Why not ease up on gun laws? There are only a few school shootings a week -- that's pretty good, right? Why not give someone who is interested in banning books the vice presidency of the United States? Our illiteracy rate isn't total shit!

Why not, you ask? Because the McCain/Palin ticket is the Bridge to Abso-fucking-lutely nowhere.

Update - THE WORLD HASN'T ENDED!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1668971.ece

Science... MONDAY!

Hey everyone,

For anyone else who is the least bit curious about the universe (yes, the universe -- if you're not curious, you should be!) here is a brief update on the super-collider-thingamajiggy that's either going help us figure out the big bang and dark matter, or blow us all to oblivion. Okay, maybe "oblivion" is a little fatalistic...



http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/09/08/lhc.collider/index.html

Word Nerd

I have an ongoing fascination with the story of the Donner Party. Just recently, Jesse and I watched the Ric Burns documentary about the doomed travelers, and I noticed something. A word. A word that was used A LOT in the documentary that you don't hear every day anymore.

"Perish."

I think "Perish" is a great word. Derivatives of "Perish" are good too. It's so dramatic and a little old-fashioned sounding. I have thus determined to bring "Perish" to our modern lingo in a viral way. And hell, who needs to stick to conventional linguistic definitions? The word is too good not to use for just about anything.

"Dude, what the hell happened at Mike's party last night?"
"I don't know man, I was fucking perished!"

"Um, Mitch, what happened to the last frozen pizza?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was mine. I perished it."

"God, I'm so exhausted tonight."
"I know, I just kinda want to perish in front of the TV for a while."

"What happened to the Donners?"
"Um, they perished."

So go ahead, spread it. Spread it in the tender, viral way that a whore spreads her legs. Now go forth, and perish... in a good way... sorta...

Holy Awesome Crap

If you value love, peace, and laughter, I have a link for you. If you are one of those people who lists "love" "peace" and "laughter" as interests on your facebook page, you are a moron. Stop being a moron.

If you also value raunchiness it's even better.

http://www.punchrobert.com/#vids

Go to Carnival Performances to start with. Then I recommend Dancer Face. After that, work your way through at your own delicious leisure...

DING DING DING DA DING DING DA DING DING

Oh Nepotism!

I just wanted to spread the love (and the nuttiness) of this other blogger who goes by "Patricia" on occasion....

http://fourteen20.blogspot.com/

Uh... WTF?

It is a crazy crazy litigious world we live in. I saw this little news piece while browsing The Week (news digest, yum!)


A New York man who disappeared after being indicted for having sex with minors is suing American Express for alerting police to his whereabouts. James Colliton, 44, says the company violated his privacy by telling authorities that his credit card had been used in Ontario, Canada, where he was arrested. Colliton later pleaded guilty to raping two underage girls, but is seeking $4 million in damages from American Express. “When people stop violating my rights,” he said, “that’s when I will stop filing lawsuits.”

Ummmmmmm, seriously?
"When people stop violating my rights..."
How about when you stop violating underage girls, the cops will stop chasing you..... or when you stop putting your junk in unwanted places.... how about that? How about don't be a perv? Hm? Can we try that?

This country is so lawsuit crazy to begin with it is kind of sickening. Someone told me recently that the leftover food from the buffets in Vegas that go to the trash are doused with bleach. Why? Because apparently if someone eats some of that food out of the trash, and gets sick, the hotel can actually get sued. Another WTF! If you're eating out of the trash in the first place, what do you really expect? All that food..... so tragic....

Some Good Listening...

To diffuse the bomb I dropped last post, here's a little easy-in-a-kickass-ninja-way listening to tame the beast, calm the nerves, and maybe inspire some comfort in this wild world where sagging pants are outlawed (wassap Flint, MI) and batty old codgers leave millions in inheritance to their pooches (Leona Helmsley, you are crazy bitch.)

MUSIC "IN MY WORLD" NEWS

I'd like to present to you, my friend, the very talented (and well-groomed):

JONATHAN DENMARK

Thank You For Being A Friend from Jonathan Denmark on Vimeo.

Jon is great with an acoustic guitar (for those looking for some beauty in the world) and a burgeoning master of experimental rap (for those looking for some organized chaos)

He is pretty much responsible for one of the best things to ever happen to me, AND, he once said (based on a scientific study of the perception of joy and acceptance in a person's life,) "in about three months, you are going to be happy. DEAL WITH IT."

His website is www.jonathandenmark.com

And to check him out further, he's going to be playing at the Universal Bar and Grill on Sunday the 27th at 8pm. A bunch of really awesome people will be there, so, uh, you should too....

IN OTHER "MUSIC IN MY WORLD" NEWS

I have just discovered Liam Finn. And he is fantastic. He recently toured with Jon Brion and has a unique sound and kickass talent. And he will be lightning. And so will you.

http://www.liamfinn.tv/

Seriously. Check it out.

PEACE!

H-BOMB!

Hi.

I understand that in this post I will most likely incur the insufferable wrath of film students, indie enthusiasts, and Wes Anderson fans worldwide.  To be honest, the latter scares me the most.  (They're everywhere!!!)  But I feel that I must state the truth, as I know it, or I am not being true.... to, uh..... myself......

I. Think. Rushmore. Is Overrated.

THERE!  I said it.  Yes.  I think Rushmore is overrated.  I have seen it several times, at several points in my life.  And while I do believe it is good, I believe the movie Rocket Science is better.  More emotionally thorough.  More realistic.  More identifiable.  More universal.  

Rocket. Science. Is. Better.

(In my opinion.....)

So go ahead, have at me, Wes Anderson Wannabes and Indie Film Champions, and all those who (for a reason kind of unknown to me) hail Rushmore as a "Great" movie -- I no longer fear your wrath.  I just want you to start getting used to the idea that not everyone LOVES Rushmore.  It is "good."  It is not "great."

Ok.  I said it.  Now get over it.  And rent Rocket Science.  And don't kill me.  I own knives.....

Surviving the Apocalypse...

We've all seen them.  The tidal waves.  The volcanos.  The asteroids.  Yes, I'm talking about the disaster movies.  There's something perversely fascinating about watching New York leveled in a 400 foot tidal wave (Deep Impact) or Los Angeles smothered in volcanic goo (Volcano, duh..) 

But the best part about a disaster movie is the lesson we take away from it. And no, I'm not talking about reconciliation and accepting your fate.  Fuck that.  I want to LIVE!  And after watching each of these movies enough times, I finally know how.

KEYS TO SURVIVAL:

1. Have a bike.  Not a bicycle -- a serious motorbike that can handle rough terrain, steep hills, and outrun a speeding tsunami.

2.  Have a kid.  Or a dog.  Or a spouse you took for granted for years and still need to reconcile with.  Just something to live for.  This one is a bit of a gamble, because sometimes the tear-jerk factor for such a character is too high to resist killing them off, but you generally have a better chance if the universe (or audience) looks at you in a favorable light.  

3.  Have an extensive knowledge of something esoteric.  If you are an expert in a rare form of botany or string theory, you are not only likely to make it (for what exact reason, I'm not exactly sure,) but you will also be looked upon as a commodity.  

4.  DON'T follow the crowds.  In the event of an asteroid, or alien invasion, think outside the box.

5.  Don't be a dick.  Assholes get their due.  Generally it involves trying to climb over a pregnant woman for a ride in the last helicopter out of town, which inevitably crashes.  So just keep that in mind.

6.  That said, don't be a pussy.  Someone who sits and cries when thing gets tough is more likely to get killed just because.  No one likes a whiner.

Just take these lessons to heart and you are sure to survive the next apocalyptic event.  Minus Zombies.  Those fuckers are different case entirely...